Goldman Sachs in Talks to Acquire Treasury Department

Sister Entities to Share Employees, Money

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gs-logoIn what some on Wall Street are calling the biggest blockbuster deal in the history of the financial sector, Goldman Sachs confirmed today that it was in talks to acquire the U.S. Department of the Treasury.

According to Goldman spokesperson Jonathan Hestron, the merger between Goldman and the Treasury Department is “a good fit” because “they’re in the business of printing money and so are we.”

The Goldman spokesman said that the merger would create efficiencies for both entities: “We already have so many employees and so much money flowing back and forth, this would just streamline things.”

Mr. Hestron said the only challenge facing Goldman in completing the merger “is trying to figure out which parts of the Treasury Dept. we don’t already own.”

Goldman recently celebrated record earnings by roasting a suckling pig over a bonfire of hundred-dollar bills.

Elsewhere, conspiracy theorists celebrated the 40th anniversary of NASA faking the moon landing.

And in South Carolina, Gov. Mark Sanford gave his wife a new diamond ring, while his wife gave him an electronic ankle bracelet.

-Borowitz Report

Category: Humor

Please use the comments to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor implied. If you could repeat previously discredited memes or steer the conversation into irrelevant, off topic discussions, it would be appreciated. Lastly, kindly forgo all civility in your discourse . . . you are, after all, anonymous.

38 Responses to “Goldman Sachs in Talks to Acquire Treasury Department”

  1. Dave J says:

    This is obviously a fictional story. Why would Goldman Sachs pay for something they already own??

  2. Wes Schott says:

    …has anyone looked at the Fed’s balance sheet lately?

    …whey would GS take on those liabilities?

    oh, yeah, those are GS’s liabilities

  3. Dave J:
    It is satire. You understand that, right?

  4. nemo says:

    I think Dave J’s comment is satirical as well.

    It was only on the second reading I realized that what was going on with that headline. On first reading it sounded just like a standard headline in the WSJ, NYT, CNN, etc. etc.

  5. dead hobo says:

    Goldman Sachs in Talks to Acquire Treasury Department

    Big mistake. A classic case of over expansion. Overhead will just explode. Try as they might, they just won’t be able to spin anything off. This will just kill their bottom line. They should just put the ego aside and let Tim and B.O. think they still run things. Sure they will have to eat a little shit now and then, but if it gets too rough they can hire a flunky to stand out in front and do it.

  6. leftback says:

    I’m not sure GS wants to pay Timmy’s overdue tax bills…

  7. jeffgronwol says:

    This the craziest story I have ever heard. Goldman should just wait until China takes the US into bankrupcy court, then pick off the best assets for pennies on the dollar (or yuan).

  8. No Offence, but, who is so Fucking Stupid, as to confuse/conflate the USTreas and The Federal Reserve?

  9. Greg0658 says:

    I just learned this week that images were received in Australia then beamed to the USA via earth orbitting satellite for our tv watching audience .. its too bad the originals were ___ .. lost in a tape over stretch to answer ringing phone Nixon moment :-)

  10. Pat G. says:

    Bad move!! Since GS has already acquired the Treasury figuratively all they do by owning it literally is acquire a lot of toxic assets. Although Timmy, is probably licking his lips in anticipation of a pay raise and bonuses.

  11. Jojo says:

    What’s good for General Goldman is good for the USA!

  12. McMia says:

    But wouldn’t this be just another blow to the separation of powers as envisioned by the founding fathers?

    After all GS, already owns the US Congress.

  13. bruerr says:

    @leftback “I’m not sure GS wants to pay Timmy’s overdue tax bills…” very funny

    @Borowitz, light touch good humour. Thanks m8.

    @Dave J, “… Why would Goldman Sachs pay for something they already own??” …nice one

    You comedians, should work some content in about how the last two presidential administrations are out to lunch, pretending to be focused on foreign policy or something of less importance, while good economic policy is being run through Goldman’s Sach’ corporate-twin-turbo-diesel-powered-combine-sized-high-speed-industrial-strength shredder, which they secretly purchased along with high-speed trade bot.

    Comic strip idea: GS executives walking worriedly back and forth between speed bot trade desk and goliath sized economic policy shredder. Shredder spewing into open semi-trailer. Retired GS alumni showing up incognito, to “NOT” see how well the machines are running. http://www.abcoffice.com/images/isdustex.jpg http://www.industrialshredders.com/showvideo.asp?VidID=-2662285992904774439 The Ultimate in Policy Destruction … “40 foot throat, 1200 lbs of swap out paper per minute” Paulson asking, are you sure thats big enough? …vs trade bot … “100 million U.S. dollars extracted out of the economy every 24 hours … ” …Lloyd acting impatiently… “when are you going to upgrade it!” Programmer cowering in chains, wearing prison stripes.

  14. Wes Schott says:

    MEH – i guess that would be me

  15. Really, Wes, No Offence intended, though, if we can’t get the building blocks squared away, any, subsequent, angle will not be Right..

    see: Section 8 – Powers of Congress
    The Congress shall have the power

    1. To lay and collect taxes, duties, imposts and excises, to pay the debts and provide for the common defence and general welfare of the United States; but all duties, imposts and excises shall be uniform throughout the United States:

    2. To borrow money on the credit of the United States:

    3. To regulate commerce with foreign nations, and among the several states,and with the Indian tribes:

    4. To establish an uniform rule of naturalization, and uniform laws on the subject of bankruptcies throughout the United States:

    5. To coin money, regulate the value thereof, and of foreign coin, and fix the standard of weights and measures:

    6. To provide for the punishment of counterfeiting the securities and current coin of the United States:

    7. To establish post-offices and post-roads:

    8. To promote the progress of science and useful arts, by securing for limited times to authors and inventors the exclusive right to their respective writings and discoveries:

    9. To constitute tribunals inferior to the supreme court:

    10. To define and punish piracies and felonies committed on the high seas, and offences against the law of nations:

    11. To declare war, grant letters of marque and reprisal, and make rules concerning captures on land and water:

    12. To raise and support armies, but no appropriation of money to that use shall be for a longer term than two years:

    13. To provide and maintain a navy:

    14. To make rules for the government and regulation of the land and naval forces:

    15. To provide for calling forth the militia to execute the laws of the union, suppress insurrections and repel invasions:

    16. To provide for organizing, arming and disciplining the militia, and for governing such part of them as may be employed in the service of the United States, reserving to the states respectively, the appointment of the officers, and the authority of training the militia according to the discipline prescribed by Congress:

    17. To exercise exclusive legislation in all cases whatsoever, over such district (not exceeding ten miles square) as may, by cession of particular states, and the acceptance of Congress, become the seat of the government of the United States, and to exercise like authority over all places purchased by the consent of the legislature of the state in which the same shall be, for the erection of forts, magazines, arsenals, dock-yards, and other needful buildings: And,

    18. To make all laws which shall be necessary and proper for carrying into execution the foregoing powers, and all other powers vested by this constitution in the government of the United States, or in any department or officer thereof.
    http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/art1.asp#1sec8

    for starters..

    and: http://clusty.com/search?input-form=clusty-simple&v%3Asources=webplus&query=constitutionality+of+the+federal+reserve

    for further.. # 6., 7, & 8 on the front page of that Search Result, is/are useful..

  16. wunsacon says:

    OT: Uh oh. “Nemo” posts to TBP? Nice debut at position 4. But, I know you can do better. ;-)

  17. Wes Schott says:

    MEH –

    no problems

    the congress and the president pass legislation and the treasury is supposed to pay for it

    there is no money at the treasury, so the fed “lends” treasury the money

    now why would GS but treasury? the fed prints the money

    goofy

  18. Bob A says:

    But they already own Treasury so… why would they have to buy it? :)

  19. pmorrisonfl says:

    I just figured that this was GS’ way spending a little of their bonus money to acquire a cartoonist. I guess that plan has been foiled, though. The regulators strike back!

  20. [...] Sachs makes move to acquire subsidiary Jump to Comments What took them so long: Goldman Sachs in Talks to Acquire Treasury [...]

  21. Thoughts says:

    Whatever happened to the separation of state and religion (worship from the temple of money)?

  22. Wes Schott says:

    …i even forgot about this exchange, last night……

    # bergsten Says:
    July 16th, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    Under the heading of “I don’t write the news, I just report it”…

    “Goldman Sachs in Talks to Acquire Treasury Department”
    http://www.borowitzreport.com

    # Wes Schott Says:
    July 16th, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    bergsten,

    huh?

    they need to acquire something they already own?

    don’t get it, very strange….giant blood sucking squid wrapped around the face…..sticking its tentacle down…

    or something like that, Matt Taibbi said

  23. philipat says:

    Another false rumour. It’s actually California that Goldman is discussions to buy. The plan is to divide the Sate up into small parcels and create California Real Estae Property (CRAP) Bonds.

  24. Groz says:

    Maybe it turns out the other way and Obama + tax payers ‘repo’ GS and throw the whole crew under the bus–about 6 months before the 2012 election sounds about right…

  25. karen says:

    Here we are with another Friday Night and no NEW music… I think I submitted Nouvelle Vague last Friday… maybe I didn’t submit this song however..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2obviKk2dUQ

  26. super_trooper says:

    @Greg0658, a consequence of the world being round and not flat.

  27. McMia says:

    @ Groz

    Maybe it turns out the other way and Obama + tax payers ‘repo’ GS and throw the whole crew under the bus–about 6 months before the 2012 election sounds about right…

    Dare to dream, dare to dream…

  28. Greg0658 says:

    superT – I haven’t put much thought into it yet .. figured it had something to do with prime time tv and the sun shining on the lunar lander site .. all them logistics

  29. cvienne says:

    @karen

    I posted this yesterday if you missed it…

    Not NEW, but original

    http://videos.komando.com/2009/06/18/african-thunderstorm/

  30. karen says:

    cevinne, spectacular! thank you! (until the chorus…) I loved the sounds more than the voices..

  31. alfred e says:

    @karen: great song thanks. Got here late or else. Out sampling the real world out here in PDT.

  32. jc says:

    It’s just a formality to recognize the public/private partnership that has been in place for a while.

  33. Bruce in Tn says:

    I had read about this, and the GARP….Goldman Assets Rehabilitation Plan…apparently Goldman will purchase the toxic assets of the Treasury until they own just over 51% of everything…then they will help rehabilitate us until we are ready to pay back the money…

    There is a book out, this is not new, you can get it from Amazon. Written years ago by Goldman for just such a time as this.

    The World According to GARP.

    You are Welcome.

  34. investorinpa says:

    Not gettting enough press was the story about the Treasury Department trying to hire a “humor expert” cartoonist to discuss the power of the use of humor in the workplace. UNBELIEVABLE what we as American public put up with. There are few senators and representatives who actually get it anymore. Luckily one of them squashed this nonsense (see #5) http://contraryriches.blogspot.com/2009/07/5-things-that-piss-me-off-show-why-were.html

  35. investorinpa,

    to your point, and to see, how Few of ”There are few senators and representatives who actually get it..”
    there, really, are, switch on C-Span and catch those Clowns ‘marking-up’ the ‘Health-Care’ Bill..

    http://edlabor.house.gov/documents/111/pdf/publications/AAHCA-BillText-071409.pdf
    care to guess how many have read this?

    http://www.c-span.org/.

  36. tejbear says:

    I will be smiling all day. Thanks

  37. Who’s going to bail them out when they crash now?

    The state of California?