Devil’s Dictionary: Wall Street Edition
Amusing take on Ambrose Bierce’s classic in the Journal today.
Excerpt:
AAA, n., obsolete. A rhetorical device used to dupe buyers into purchasing securities backed by shacks dressed as houses, and to secure the highest possible spot in telephone directories. Common usage: AAA Septic Drainage and Mortgage Backed Security Services.
BAILOUT, n. First known use: Noah. Novel regressive taxation scheme whereby vast sums of capital are transferred from those citizens who didn’t participate in the illusory Bacchanalia of the housing bubble to those who did and weren’t clever enough to get out in time.
BANK, GOOD, n., archaic. Sober, conservative, risk-averse institutions designed to midwife customers’ capital and enable prudent lending to deserving businesses and consumers. See Capra, F., the Bailey Building & Loan Association.
BANK, BAD, n. 1. Everyone else. 2. Especially Goldman Sachs.
CREDIT-DEFAULT SWAP, n. loose translation from the original Latin “ubi mel ibi apes,” or “where there’s honey there are bees.” 1. A complex financial instrument vital to the functioning of a modern economy in the way it spreads risk among consenting parties. (Greenspan, A., pre-Sept. 2008.) 2. A complex financial instrument that nearly destroyed modern capitalism (Greenspan, A., post-Sept. 2008).
CREDIT LINE, n. A set amount of borrowed money available only to those who don’t need it.
CREDIT-RATING FIRMS, n. Firms that do scant rating of people with scant credit.
DEFICIT, n. For the party in power, at worst a minor irritant and at best a precondition for economic growth. For the minority, the gravest threat to the stability of the Republic.
TOO BIG TO FAIL, idiom. Banks, insurance companies, car companies, presidential approval ratings, Fed chairmen seeking second terms, other people who think they should be Fed chairman, the reputations of people who’d be responsible for letting things fail. Antonym: TOO BORING TO SAVE.
Fun stuff . . .
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Source:
The Devil’s Dictionary — Financial Edition
MATTHEW ROSE
WSJ, SEPTEMBER 15, 2009
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB125297744960710625.html
September 15th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
investment bank: 1) can be an over-leveraged investment co. (see: hedge fund) which morphs into a bank holding company in order to receive TARP funds, then back to investment bank. 2) Whatever it wants to be. 3) Depends on rules of the game, which change frequently to facilitate maximum profits. Rules set, and unset by Congress, and function of campaign contribution amount. 4) Need to define “is” first. See “Bad Bank”, above.
September 15th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Retirement: (archaic)…The end of one’s working life. In times goneby, a time to reflect and enjoy the fruits of one’s labor. For all intents and purposes ended as a viable definition in September, 2008.
September 15th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Federal funds rate: Definition unchanged since 2009. Became known as “zero”. Minor attempts to change the definition brought about gnashing of teeth and wailing in Washington, D.C. so the definition became permanent by law in December, 2009.
September 15th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
B in T-
you are on to something my friend- although i do think retirement is a recent phenomena anyway- people use to work until they couldn’t work anymore
September 15th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
@sharkbait
“I” could also be INVESTOOLS, who buy equity shares in the “bad bank”s involved in CDS instruments…
September 15th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Bernanke or Bernanked: Unconditional love. First defined in the Great Recession when very bad, no good investment banks were given huge sums of money, and then proceeded to spend large portions of that Bernanked money on bonuses for a job well done in creating a state of bankruptcy. A difficult definition to understand unless one lived through that time.
September 15th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
OT, but interesting. This is from a young White House speechwriter who wrote an article on the confusion that governed the administration in September 2008. It’s problematic: the guy who wrote it is young, he’s a low-man on the totem pole, etc…, but still an interesting read.
ME TALK PRESIDENTIAL ONE DAY
Matt Latimer worked as one of Dubya’s speechwriters during the president’s final twenty-two months in office. He was there to help sell the surge to a skeptical public. He was there as we pretended that the fundamentals of the economy were strong. And he was there to see a president who failed to grasp his own $700 billion bailout package—even as he was pitching it to the American public on live TV. A disillusioned insider reveals for the first time just how messy things got
http://men.style.com/gq/features/landing?id=content_10957
September 15th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
@BR
This thread should have gotten a lot more posts BR
I was looking forward to that chance…
Instead, the “C”’s are already over represented (so ‘cvienne’ or [The Great] CNBC Sucks have no place)…
However, “F’s” need representation, so… f411 (definitions?)… or “fashion forward”?