Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Is An Illusion
Leave it to The Onion to speak the Truth:
The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.
What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world’s largest economy.
“Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we…if we…” said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. None of this—this so-called ‘money’—really matters at all.”
“It’s just an illusion,” a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. “Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless.”
According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, “Oh my God, he’s right. It’s all a mirage. All of it—the money, our whole economy—it’s all a lie!
Source:
U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
The Onion, February 16, 2010 | Issue 46•07
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/u_s_economy_grinds_to_halt_as
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February 17th, 2010 at 7:40 pm
wow-
truer words were never spoke-
truly an illusion-
but it still buys shit last I checked
February 17th, 2010 at 7:53 pm
I pretty much always knew money was an illusion.
I had simply hoped the rest of you wouldn’t have worked this out too.
February 17th, 2010 at 8:10 pm
No different from stocks, houses, gold, cars, land, food, etc.
IF no one wants it. It isnt WORTH anything.
February 17th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
food? no one wanting it?
Good Gravy~
February 17th, 2010 at 8:34 pm
MEH-
what’s food when you are as enlightened as cognos?
The dude is simplicity personified-
because he has all the simple answers
February 17th, 2010 at 8:36 pm
In a related story, Dick Cheney blamed the fall of the American economy on terrorists and Obama’s unwillingness to waterboard the world’s oil-producing nations into accepting our worthless debt in exchange for “barrels and barrels of black, slippery, sweet, cheap oil”.
February 17th, 2010 at 8:37 pm
I was in Fort Benning. No cash. Went to the Officers Club (don’t get nasty, $212 a month pre tax).
Needed $50. NCO gave me a check form with no bank info.
I wrote in the info and got my money. That was when I realized that a “check” was a piece of paper. The NCO told me (maybe apocryphal) that he had taken checks written on paper bags.
It’s only trust and paper. When the trust dissolves……………
February 17th, 2010 at 8:43 pm
“waterboard the world’s oil-producing nations into accepting our worthless debt in exchange for “barrels and barrels of black, slippery, sweet, cheap oil”.
well Winston- in keeping with the theme-
we are exchanging only paper for the oil:-)
February 17th, 2010 at 9:03 pm
If only the reaction would end up being that insignificant…
February 17th, 2010 at 9:27 pm
Is that what Bernanke and Geithner and Paulson were thinking when they did the dirty deal with AIG and bailed their friends out at GS? Its only an Illusion. If any of you want to unload some of your illusionary paper, I’ll be glad to take it off your hands. In December, Japan and China sold $53 Billion of US treasuries. Could it be the they also realize the US Dollar is just an Illusion. Then what is the Euro. A piece of crap.
February 17th, 2010 at 9:30 pm
Well, yes, we are only trading paper for the oil. Only, that is, until the oil exporter trades the paper. If they trade the paper for our factories or farms, then we’ve traded real factories and farms for “barrels and barrels of black, slippery, sweet, cheap oil”. If we trade enough of our productive assets, the price of the oil will prove quite dear. http://jpetervanschaik.googlepages.com
February 17th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
van-
my comment was rhetorical-
your point is understood
February 17th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
MEH, ahab —
You think the world hasnt seen excess food? How short-sighted!
Buffaloes were shot by the thousands for their furs. The meat and carcasses were left to rot.
Whales were killed for blubber to make oil. Again, meat and carcasses left to rot by the tons.
Only in this era of shipping, refridgeration, and capitalism do we try to use most of the value. And even now roughly 1/2 of all food… rots or is thrown away. Wasnt oil $10/bbl in 2000? Didnt commodities drop over 50%… to near 30-yr lows just 1-yr ago? I think they still have a wine-dumping festival in Spain (People have written that 2x the wine is produced than can ever be drunk). Didnt we roll p51 airplanes into the ocean by the 1,000s after WWII?
That’s not “excess food”. That’s “excess airplanes”!
February 17th, 2010 at 10:01 pm
I hear “houses in Detroit” are the new Weimar / Zimbabwe dollars.
Come get em by the wheelbarrel load.
February 17th, 2010 at 10:04 pm
Well I mean to say what exactly do you expect from someone who can simply type numbers onto a computer screen and in the process create out of thin air a trillion dollars. Not even Mugabe had it that easy. It’s such a game. I mean really! all you need to do is take a look at the long term gold chart. Remember do not take money too seriously. It’s just a game, a great big sick game.
February 17th, 2010 at 10:11 pm
BTW, a South Carolina state representative wants to make silver and gold coins the only legal tender — outlawing U.S. currency (paper money):
http://www.palmettoscoop.com/2010/02/17/bill-would-ban-federal-currency-in-sc/
Unfortunately, that’s NOT a story from The Onion!
February 17th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
All the money in the world won’t make you happy.
Bein broke sux though…
February 17th, 2010 at 10:46 pm
Turn on, tune in , drop into your own I.P.
February 17th, 2010 at 10:47 pm
Actually, it’s even cheaper than just paper. It’s actually just a few Pixels in an Electronic Account transaction. That’s why you don’t, to the best of my knowledge, see boatloads of “Paper” being shipped to Saudi et al!!
February 17th, 2010 at 10:49 pm
@bachfan:
Stupid gold/silver bugs. They persist in Emerson’s foolish consistency being the hobgoblin of little minds. It never occurs to them that government can change the dollar/gold ratio at its whim. Paulbots, the lot of them.
February 17th, 2010 at 11:22 pm
captain ned-
yeah- assuming South Carolina agrees to that-
there are no certainties
February 17th, 2010 at 11:22 pm
Life is a shit sandwich, the more bread you’ve got, the less it tastes like shit.
February 18th, 2010 at 12:37 am
“Life is a shit sandwich, the more bread you’ve got, the less it tastes like shit.”
I love this quote.
February 18th, 2010 at 2:05 am
“Didnt we roll p51 airplanes into the ocean by the 1,000s after WWII?”
Did this really happen? Any references?
February 18th, 2010 at 5:28 am
Life is a Katz’s sandwich; don’t ask for Russian dressing. Open the present…all the bread in the World doesn’t help you getting to the center of it. Keep your illusions to yourself and enjoy your catch.
February 18th, 2010 at 7:19 am
I do not think is only paper. Its shares of US GDP which is represente by commodity production, manufacturing and industrial production, services provided, trade…etc…
its not just paper, but a small fraction of a whole economy. alas, its value may fluctuate according to the perception people has on the value of the whole economy.
February 18th, 2010 at 8:27 am
cognos,
please, don’t be absurd..
see: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393304167/ref=nosim/cryptogoncom-20
http://clusty.com/search?input-form=clusty-simple&v%3Asources=webplus&query=Food+as+a+Weapon
http://clusty.com/search?input-form=clusty-simple&v%3Asources=webplus&query=Hunger+Food+Insecurity+in+America
Quite like our ‘Banks’, our Food Banks, as we speak, are ‘overdrawn’..
you want to take examples of incredible human folly, and use them to ‘prove’ which point?
February 18th, 2010 at 9:45 am
The only truth being spoken these days is in humor. The Onion, The Daily Show (although it’s been showing its Obama bias lately), even The Colbert Report.
February 18th, 2010 at 10:08 am
Pete from CA Says:
February 18th, 2010 at 2:05 am
“Didnt we roll p51 airplanes into the ocean by the 1,000s after WWII?”
Did this really happen? Any references?
Wasn’t there for the P51s in WWII, but saw lots of 100s of tons of equipment get dumped over the side of the ship on our way back from Vietnam. No planes, just heavy construction equipment, trucks that kind of stuff. JUst deep six’d it. Something to see, but after you been in hell, nothing really gets to you, just another day in the life of a sailor.
February 18th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
MEH -
Why are you spouting stupid links about “Food as a Weapon”?
For the first time I clicked on what I can now describe as one of your “dumb-ass” links. All its was was a search engine report on the search for “food as a weapon”. The links were about Sudan, Zimbabwe, Hitler, and Zimbabwe. Relevancy score = zero.
February 18th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
It seems obvious that the great ILLUSIONS… are always worth the most money:
- software
- hollywood movies and music
- lawyering
- art and fashion
to a lesser degree, but certainly in the “natural state of man”:
- pharmaceutical research
- electricity
Oh, wait… but we live in civilization. I’ll take the above “illusions” over weapons and brute strength any day.
February 18th, 2010 at 2:32 pm
What’s worth more…
- the “illusion” of money?
- the “illusion” of religion?
Hmm, 1,000 year ago it was definately religion.