Okay, its time for a little fun.
Like the cartoon caption contests the New Yorker runs each month, we are going to have our own little contest.
Whoever comes up the funniest, cleverest most poignant punch line for this photo, wins a signed copy of Bailout Nation.
>
>
Note: Modern Arthur‘s witty “Christ, What an Asshole!” answer to every New Yorker Magazine Caption Contest is disqualified . . .
>
Bonus caption contest:
>
Try a different caption for The Fabulous Fab !
>
Category: Humor, Psychology
Please use the comments to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor implied. If you could repeat previously discredited memes or steer the conversation into irrelevant, off topic discussions, it would be appreciated. Lastly, kindly forgo all civility in your discourse . . . you are, after all, anonymous.
Remember, “Christ, What an Asshole!” is disqualified
“That depends on what your definition of ‘shitty‘ is”
For bonus contest: “What, me worry?”
“I am just doing God’s work, shovelling all this shit out to widows and orphans.”
Fab (with a French accent):
“Do you like my petit monstruosity, eh?”
Make that:
“Marine, do you like my petit monstruosity, eh?”
Blankfein was “open” to the ministrations of Dr. Levin, DDS. The use of Novacain was waived.
Said The Fabulous Fab: “No shit!”
“Wah, wah, don’t you know I’m doing God’s work, goddammit?! No more campaign donations for you!”
I’m shorting me!
“So I told Fab to tell it like it is!”
Fab: “No shit! Now you tell me!”
Blank: “Where’s my Precious?”
Fab: “I can carry the ring for you, Master Frodo.”
A little patience please. I’m shoveling as fast as I can.
“You’ve been giving Hank’s TARP money to companies making shitty cars since this whole thing started, so what’s wrong with a few shitty mortgages?”
Senator, trust me, this is the best CDO you can buy! In fact, we call it “The Shit”!
Blank: “Trust me, we’d Never do such a thing!!”
Fab: “Really, I said that!!”
Lloyd: “I want my Maypo!” (For you young whippersnappers, see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_0qsG9ndGI)
Opps…
For Fab put a question marks where the exclaimation marks are.
Lloyd: “No, Senator. When you have sophisticated investors, dildo PLUS reach-around equals no conflict.”
Fab: “What do you mean only my personal emails were released?”
How dare you call me a greedy, lying, thief! I’m not greedy!
Fab: “What, me worry? I already made my millions fleecing orphans and widows.”
“Sir, honestly, you are making it appear as if our pants are on the ground.”
For Fab:
“I like it both ways sir – I’m French.”
But we earned those bonuses, every cent of it!
@Adult Frankie. LOL.
Blankfein: “I am not a crook!”
Fab: “Sacre bleu! What of my campaign donations? J’accuse!”
“Honestly, just doing God’s work and the left hand didn’t know what the right was betting on!”
“This is how it works. In my left hand, sir, is IBK’ s bung hole. In my right hand is a Taser. Now watch.”
Blankfein: Never trust a Sicilian when debt is on the line!
No, if anyone orders Merlot, I’m leaving. I am NOT drinking any f…ing Merlot!
Blankfein: “So when the devil comes around trying to find out if I shorted him on some trash I sold him, I grabs my own pitch fork — just like this — and I tells him I’ll shove it up his ass if he comes pokin’ ’round again!”
Lloyd: “It’s only two binders of emails”. or alternatively: “There is always a buyer and a seller; how much are you?”
Fab: “Moi?”
“…..we are selling weak securities all the time. We decided to offer a special on shitties for our most loyal and sophisticated clients.”
Blankfein
“No Senator…For the last time, I am not Mikey Mouse”
The Fabulous Fab
“You’re gonna put it where?”
Blankfein: I tried to lay down the bunt. Fab: What do you mean I missed the sign.
“INCONCEIVABLE!”
Fab:
“Mr. Frank, do you want to touch my butt?”
Blankfein
“They made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. What would you have me do?”
Fab
“Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?”
Blankfein: Senator, trust me, this is the best CDO you can buy! In fact, we call it “The Shit”!
Fab: Oui, c’est le merd!
Can we help it that our clients are so stupid?
Fab: Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon… you know, cause I’ve worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time. (HT George Costanza)
My caption didn’t go through. Am I blocked, Barry? Care to tell me why, so that I can either rectify your beef or stop my participation!
~~~
BR: This is the only one of yours I see — but we’ve been overwhelmed — try it again
“in the context of risk management we are short on Health Care Reform as well”
1. “don’t tase me, bro!”
2.”boo-yah”
or
2.”im just here for the pizza”
Blank: “Turning water into wine just a warmup. You should see what I do with toxic assests!”
Fab: “It’s a miracle St. Llyod! A $16Bn bonus pool made from 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes? You are truly doing the Lord’s work!”
and Fab said “Speak for yourself. I get chicks lookin’ at me all the time. All ages. Dudes too.’
Senator: “What is a GS CDO really worth?”
Blankfein: ” ‘Bout a hundred dollars. Yeah. A hundred dollars.”
Fabulous Fab: “I’m a very good driver.”
Fab (re: above): “Trust me — it’s true. I seen it, man. Dude will jack your ass up with that pitch fork.”
Lloyd: Please! Wait till I switch feet!
Blankfein: “They always look like that!” – (referring to the despondent, stupefied, gaze of his fellow Goldmanites behind him to the left and right.
Blankfein:
“I want to punch the distinguished Senator in the face!”
(ala the E*Trade baby)
Fab Fab:
“What am I doing here? Did I just wake up from a bad dream?”
“I’m mad and I’m not going to take it anymore!”
Blankfein expresses that he is nearly a laugh
but really a cry.
Fab: “C’est impossible. Zees CDO has three Michelin stars!”
Blankfein: You want me to read the whole prospectus?
Caption 1
“Just when I thought I was out, you pull me back in!!”
Blankfein: “We thoroughly screwed our customers? Inconceivable!”
Fab: “I just sold him one tiny wafer mint. I didn’t know he’d explode!”
Blankfein: Ouch Senator…that really hurt…Senaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatorrrrrrr !!
Of course our reputation is important….almost as much as money
Fabulous Fab: “What deer in the headlights?”
“Senator, what part of ‘market maker’ don’t you understand?!”
Blankfein: “Waaaaah…” (We were caught.)
Fabulous Fab: “I didn’t know….”
Fab: who, moi?
Blankfein: I can’t read!!!
Lloyd: “Stop making fun of my lisp. And, no I do not look like Mr. Burns from “The Simpsons”.
Blankfein: “It’s not dead. It’s resting. Woderful plumage, the ABACUS.”
Fabulous Fab: “A nod’s as good as a wink to a blind bat.”
LB: “But it’s all in the Ferengi rules of acquisition.”
Blankfein: “C’mon! Throw the frisbee, damn it! I swear to god, I can catch it in my mouth!”
Fabulous Fab: ““Trust me — it’s true. I once seen the dude put 3 softballs in his mouth at once. A frisbee? No problemo.”
“Inconceivable!”
Shoveling this much shit requires a shovel this big.
I don’t wanna go to bed, Mommy.
Fab: ” I’m funny how? “
For Fab:
That’s a big shovel!
Dean Levin: Fab, what is the worst bank in this country?
Fab: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They’re each outstanding in their own way.
Dean Levin: Cut the horseshit, son. I’ve got their emails right here. Who sold trillions in “shitty” CDOs? Who had the gall to push for an AIG bailout? Every January, the bonuses are enormous. Every crisis, they lobby for a bailout.
Fab: You’re talking about Goldman, sir.
Dean Levin: Of course I’m talking about Goldman, you TWERP!
Blankfein:
“We never spiked the kool-aid while I was here. I cannot speak for the Paulson administration.”
Fab:
“Ohhhhh Yeahhhhhh”
My entries:
“Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest!?!?”
“Dang, I’ve lost my place!”
Blank: “My swan song rendition in d minor for all of you ignorant fools on the other side of our trades”
Fab: “They do what to little Frenchmen in prison!”
1. I gotta take this crap from congress? You people have been doing this since the ink used for “We the people” was even dry.
2. Hey douches, Freedom Fries ain’t so funny now is it?
The main thing about money, Senators, is that it makes you do things you don’t want to do.
“No! No! No! For the last time, ‘GS’ does NOT stamd for Ginormous Salaries!”
Blankfein: “They bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, LET ‘EM CRASH!”
Fab: “Merde!”
Blank: “You need our final word on this, Mr. Senator. All ships must sail in the same direction”
LB ” I am doing Gods work, don’t hold me to account for that, I am just his pawn!”
“Mr Tourre, were you aware that your Mother had invested her life savings into the Abacus CDO via a third party?”
What’s worth shit is worth doing for money.
Lloyd: “We had to destroy the mortgage market in order to save it.”
Blankfein: An African Swallow or a European Swallow?
Fabulous Fab: If you do not stop I shall taunt you again!
Lloyd B testifying to the senate: “Sir, they teased me at school with names like Oscar the Grouch, so I made damn sure everyone will be living in a trashcan”.
Fab: “Senator, Look into my eyes … you WILL purchase shi*ty mortgage backed bonds”. – Freud was an amateur.
2.”shitty is my middle name”.
Blankfein “I don’t understand whats wrong, you guys all voted for Gramm-Leach-Bliley”
Fab “No, in France it’s called a Grand Royale with Fromage”
Blankfein: Senator, we’re entitled to those large bonuses! We’re smarter than our prey . . . er, I mean clients.
Fabulous Fab: “Ouch!”
Where are the busses? I need buses to throw these people under!
Why is that bus driving on the sidewalk?
Blankfein: “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth. Son, we live in a country with an investment gap. And that gap needs to be filled by men with money. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Middle Class Consumer? Goldman Sachs has a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Lehman and you curse derivatives. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what we know: that Lehman’s death, while tragic, probably saved the financial system. And that Goldman’s existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves pension funds. You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want us to fill that investment gap. You need us to fill that gap. “We use words like credit default swaps, collateralized debt obligation, and securitization? We use these words as the backbone of a life spent investing in something. You use ‘em as a punchline. We have neither the time nor the inclination to explain ourselves to a commoner who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very credit we provide, and then questions the manner in which we provide it! We’d rather you just said thank you and paid your taxes on time. Otherwise, we suggest you get an account and start trading. Either way, we don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!”
…but i gotta say, the guy who quoted george costanza is a genius
Blankfein: “Senator, if we had to disclose to every client how we are going to screw them, we’d be out of business.”
Fab: Que, moi l’inquiétude ? (What, me worry?)
Blankfein (paraphrasing Pink Floyd):
“If you don’t sell yer crap, you can’t have any profit. How can you have any profits if you don’t sell yer crap?”
nedbrines wins.
LB: “I’m going to buy this joint, just so I can fire the lot of you!”
The Fab: “Um, you already own it sir…”
LB: “Whaaaat? This is how you make money hand over fist”
LB: “Hey, my skills are legendary”
LB: “Chics come in flocks when LB rocks!”
LB: “I will never assume the position!”
LB: “You wanna a shitty deal? Bend over. Ain’t that right Tourre?”
FF: “Oui”
Man in Black: All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right… and who is dead.
Vizzini: But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy’s? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Blanky: “Would you like the underhand or overhand grip Senator?”
Fab: “You got the whole fist up there doc?”
Well, you’re only Senators. What the hell do you know anyway?
“Constipation sucks”
Bonus: “Did Loyd just sh*t himself?”
Balnkfein: “Yes, Senator, I am John Galt!”
Fab: “Who? No, no, I am jeest Fabulous Fab.”
LB caption “Please understand….. Just like a dog, we do what we do…. because we can”