Could Make Prosecution Difficult, Experts Say

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA – (The Borowitz Report) Eleven indicted Somali pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant Goldman Sachs.

There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when the leader of the pirates announced, “We are doing God’s work.  We work for Lloyd Blankfein.”

The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in dubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis’ work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates forcibly attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted.

“We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual Friday,” the pirate said.

The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, “plus to get our share of the bailout money.”

In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law.

“There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they were, in fact, pirates,” one government source said.  “But if they’re bankers, our hands are tied.”  More here.

The Borowitz Report

Category: Humor, Legal, Weekend

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8 Responses to “Somali Pirates Say They Are Subsidiary of Goldman Sachs”

  1. Sunny129 says:


    Is it a joke or what? Are there any concrete evidence?

  2. Bala says:


    Clearly the guy draws influence from “The Onion”

  3. Chuck Ponzi says:

    Wouldn’t be funny if it weren’t such an indictment of a loss of morality among pirates!

  4. Jack says:


    Is that you in the red do-rag?

  5. StephenDriscoll says:

    Sounds legal.

  6. Chuck, you stole my joke! ;)

    They better be careful with this article. The pirates might sue for defamation


  7. willid3 says:

    goes with comparing wall street with Vegas. (

    seems Vegas would take offense if compared to wall street.

  8. moolai says:

    It’s probably the pirates’ lawyers who came up with this idea. They know the law, the pirates don’t. No wonder the government lawyers are scrambling. Of course the defense lawyers wouldn’t have openly told the pirates “what to say.” But I am sure they can put to them the consequences of different scenarios. The intelligent pirate leader might have asked them about where the law stood.