James Altucher has a new eBook out, titled How to Be the Luckiest Person Alive! (we’ll publish a chapter next week).

I was discussing the book with James, and jokingly said we should have a Altucher-like title contest. He liked the idea, and so we decided to run this contest to select the title of his next book or blog post. The best suggestions will get a free copy of How to Be the Luckiest Person Alive!.

For those of you who may never have read an Altucher Confidential post, you learn to immediately recognize his work by the zany headlines:

- Is it bad that I originally wanted my first kid to be aborted?
- Why I Am Never Going to Own a Home Again
- How I Sold My First Company to the Son of the Man Who Killed Hitler
- I Want My Daughters to Be Lesbians
- Online porn, twitter, and my very personal addiction
- The One Week Heroin Addict
- 10 Reasons You Should Never Own Stocks Again
- Suicide, and 13 Other Ways to Deal with Failure

The contest:

The best headlines you can think of in the very-imitable Altucher style is what we are looking for.

The rules are simple: We are looking for the best ideas in the whacky Altucher ouevre.

A troika (James & Josh Brown & I) will determine the top 10 or 20 or as many make us laugh. Best entries will win a copy of How to Be the Luckiest Person Alive!


Place your entries here

Category: Financial Press, Humor

Please use the comments to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor implied. If you could repeat previously discredited memes or steer the conversation into irrelevant, off topic discussions, it would be appreciated. Lastly, kindly forgo all civility in your discourse . . . you are, after all, anonymous.

120 Responses to “James Altucher Headline/Book Naming Contest”

  1. dahawk says:

    “Friends of Ours Had a Raccoon, It Ate the Baby”

  2. Mike G2 says:

    “Lists of Luck: How a homeless, carless, jobless schlimazel with lesbian daughters and a blog – made good.”

  3. franklinchen says:

    “A turtle, holding the pee, and getting crushed by the Muzio Gambit”

  4. Rouleur says:

    Annie Hall?

  5. whoiscraig says:

    Most the time Mr. Altchur has no idea what he’s talking about. He’s wrong about starting a business, about not owning a home, about not buying stocks among many other things.

  6. Arequipa01 says:

    Fibonacci Retracements and Bear Scat: A Biosemiotic Exploration of the Unconscious Financial Genius of the Ursus Horribilis Embedded in their Savage Movements

  7. wally says:

    I Can’t Stop Using These Godawful Titles.

  8. stevie314159 says:

    “10 Surefire Pickup Lines for the Next Great Depression”

  9. zenospinoza says:

    The Thirteen Immutable Dogmas of Scepticism

  10. JasRas says:

    “The market’s rigged so my losses don’t feel as bad plus ten other tips for coping with trading losses”

  11. JasRas says:

    My mother believes in aliens and I believe in sovereign debt–who’s crazier?

  12. keithpiccirillo says:

    “The 7 Bad Habits of Highly Defective People.”

  13. JasRas says:

    “Craps, blackjack, horses, dogs and two hundred other ways to enjoy losing your money other than the market.”

  14. JasRas says:

    “My neighbor in the wife-beater who works the graveyard is happier than I am—and his yard looks better to boot! How to quit trying to win and start living life in fourteen easy steps.”

  15. JasRas says:

    “The Sanction: the cathartic action of shooting squirrels that are destroying my spouse’s garden, or how I got lucky with my wife without flowers and jewelry”

  16. JasRas says:

    “What did you say?! …Learning to interpret Mother-in-laws, bank CEO’s, and eight other challenging personas. “

  17. JasRas says:

    “Leave the spaghet, bring the meatballs…cooking Italian for those on protein diets”

  18. JasRas says:

    “Prime vacations with the Mexican Cartel–the new Fodors edition for your South of the border trip”

  19. Joseph says:

    How to be a rock and roll idol at 60 and still be alive.

  20. JasRas says:

    Sleeping it off…the great American debt hangover
    Take two QE’s and call me in the morning…

  21. Zephos says:

    He came, He saw, He was fired.

  22. The Window Washer says:

    Jas you’re spewing.
    Cut out half of the words in this one and you may have something.

    “My neighbor in the wife-beater who works the graveyard is happier than I am—and his yard looks better to boot! How to quit trying to win and start living life in fourteen easy steps.”

  23. asc33 says:

    “Speeding Tickets, Paper-cuts, Warm Beer, and Other Things I Would Rather Have Instead of a Michelle Bachmann Presidency”

  24. The Window Washer says:

    Have fun, be safe, stupid hurts.

  25. The Window Washer says:

    Make that:
    Have fun, be carful, stupid hurts.

  26. naval says:

    How I bled, fumbled, and failed my way into millions of dollars – and you can too.

  27. asc33 says:

    Getting Exercise, Eating, Sleeping, and Pooping: It’s Called The Daily Practice and I Invented It.

  28. Arlyp73 says:

    Chess champion accused of using steroids

  29. Global Eyes says:

    If Napoleon had read Bailout Nation prior to Waterloo, we’d all be speaking French.

  30. atswimtwobirds says:

    “I haven’t taken my lithium in years and where did I put my adderall”
    My favorite newspaper headline would be
    “Small earthquake in Peru, Not many dead…”

  31. Rouleur says:

    …like I suggested earlier…Annie Hall – Midnight in Paris is no Annie Hall, btw…JasRas, chill dude…

  32. beaufou says:

    Why having a vasectomy gets you closer to God.

  33. JohnHumphrey says:

    Why I Bought My Daughters a Stripper Pole.
    How the Buddha Made Me Give Up Inside Trading.
    The Law of Unintended Consequences, or, How I Launched a YouTube Sensation.
    I Had A Crush On The Chick At Starbucks

  34. asc33 says:

    How Barry Ritholtz Convinced Me That Crowdsourcing is a Terrible Idea

  35. AZ_Cowboy says:

    “How I quit peeing the bed and became a paranoid, and the 20 best chess matches of all time.”

  36. MidlifeNocrisis says:

    My 9 year old daughter passed out… and 5 other things you need to know about bubbles.

    3 reasons my suicide didn’t work and why I’m buying Treasury bonds as therapy.

  37. alexnorman says:

    How I convinced my wife that having a threesome would bring us closer together.

  38. Dow says:

    10 More Reasons Why Men with Money Suck in Bed
    and it’s companion
    10 More Reasons Why Women with Fake Tits Suck in Bed

  39. thatguydrinksbeer says:

    Not a sock. Confessions from the LPSG.org

  40. DiggidyDan says:

    Eccentricity & Intrigue–Made ya Click!


    Teach Your Daughters Yoga So They Won’t Become Pole-Dancers

  41. TapeReader says:

    “I don’t know how it happened, she just decided to bring one of her girlfriends.”

  42. ToNYC says:

    Two deep breaths away from Eternity; get used to it.

  43. CitizenWhy says:

    “This July 4th America is 235 years old. Let’s keep it that way!”

  44. CaroMusa says:

    “How to lose 15 million dollars in 6 weeks”

  45. klbjcb says:

    how faeces, pets, and incest is alot like poker


    how i quit trying to win and other poker tips

  46. zero cool says:

    Why burning books will make you rich

  47. KentGeek says:

    How to Get Rich By Punching Babies

  48. KentGeek says:

    10 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Read This Article

  49. Jeslen says:

    1) How I Learned to Stop Fearing the Death Cross and Love the 200 Day Moving Average

    2) How to Perform a Non-Violent Exorcism on Your Investment Adviser

    3) Eleven Things You Should Know About the Ten Best Places to Live

    4) The Hidden Perversions in the Inverted Head and Shoulders

  50. Petey Wheatstraw says:

    Smokin’ crack: 101 red hot chili recipes and why you should never pick up the pipe.

  51. MikeW says:

    Why You Should Donate Your Child’s Organs to Steve Jobs

  52. Robber Baron says:

    The complete fuckwit

  53. The Cynic says:

    Dollars to Dog Poop: The biggest pile of dollars win!

  54. The Cynic says:

    Lost my job, my house, my shirt, and now my (under)pants – How I got a loan!

  55. Mick Lovin says:

    “when your wife is not at your right hand, let your right hand be your wife” Life on the road with James Altucher

  56. JasRas says:

    Whatever…I was brainstorming. Not seeing anything much better. Frankly it’s odd to be told to chill by someone who’s best idea is “Annie Hall”–and thinks its so good they repeat it as though we don’t get the reference.

    A lot of these one liners are funny. I like The Cynic’s, Mick Lovin, DiggityDan’s….

    funny stuff.

    Have a good 4th weekend

  57. E says:

    “Dog food is better for you than it is for dogs.”

  58. Ruschem says:

    10 Signs you are an idiot and how to deal with it

  59. Winston Munn says:

    Is it time for the poor to revisit the commune model?

  60. jlj says:

    Why I always play poker with 2 extra jokers.

  61. ToNYC says:

    10 logical inconsistencies and fake science to dissemble real debate.

  62. Winston Munn says:

    Too Big To Fail and Other Fast Food Nutritional Myths

  63. mgkurilla says:

    My grandchildren will need to live my life backwards in order to succeed

  64. jaltucher says:

    These are hilarious.

  65. nofoulsontheplayground says:

    Is Nasal Sex the Final Frontier in Human Sexuality?

  66. bergsten says:

    Get a Haircut?

  67. MaciekKolodziejczyk says:

    When Resuscitation Turns Into Necrophilia – a Bioethical Dillema.

  68. VennData says:

    Even the Marginal Idea in this Book will be Better than Breakeven

    Switching Advisor-in-laws Made Easy

    Where are the Customer’s Deviated Septums?

    What Does it Take to Change a Belief; What does it Take to Change What it Takes to Change a Belief?

    This Title is for Sale!

    “Open Flies Are Becoming Fashionable:” The Next Big Thing

    If Wealth Creators Need Incentives and More Incentives are Better, We Should Take Away All the Wealth of All the Wealthy, But Just this Once.

    The Other Universe

    Legally Change Your Birthday

    Don’t Work All Your Life at a Cryopreservation Company!

    How to Start and Manage Your Own Secret Cabal to Undermine Prediction Markets

    Those Who Can’t Invest – or Write – Write Investment Books

    Rearranging the Deck Chairs after Colliding with a Barriers-to-Entry Reef

    Mercenary Position: Surviving a Big-Company Job

  69. xatta says:

    How To Be A Fraud In Broad Daylight

  70. wrongway says:

    Tax the Poor, Feed the Rich – A Republican Plan for Prosperity

  71. MaxMax says:

    He`s wrong about a number of things – college, home ownership – but the practical advice of the first chapter is excellent. I`m tempted to say t was worth every one of the 99 cents it cost to download– nyuk nyuk – but it`s much more valuable than that.

  72. Winston Munn says:

    10 signs your capitalist has been socializing too much.

  73. jadogsl says:

    Personally I like you……..
    I understand how you feel.

    This would be an article around the current phoniness in society. We have politicians that always spin and are rarely statesmen, money managers that talk their book, an infrastructure built on power rather than ethics….even our reality shows are staged. Makes the movie Quiz Show look like a primer for the current decade.
    Where does the title come from ? I used to work for a guy in the 80s that when he whas about to fire someone he would alwasys say ‘Personally I like the guy’. Which of course meant he didn’t. And when someone came with him with an issue he would say ‘ I understand how your feel’. Which meant he could care less. He had about a dozen frazes he used over and over. In other words a Grade A phony. One day I ran into a former co worker who worked for this guy many years later … he sees me … comes up and says
    ‘ Personally I like ya’ ( Translation in jest of course ‘ I don’t like you’ )
    I retorted immediately without a pause..
    ‘ I understand how your feel’ ( Translation again in jest ‘ F You too ! ‘ We laughed for a good 15 minutes.

  74. skipaway says:

    Luck: What Happens When Preparation H Meets Opportunity

  75. the patriot says:

    Why Jim Cramer’s Bald Head Doesn’t Taste As Salty As You Might Expect.

  76. TripleB says:

    7 Things I learned about life from living in Pittsburgh

  77. evanmyquest says:

    My $19.95 Magic Jack Life Alert Button for the Screaming Victims of the Sweetest Venus Bull Trap Ever

    The Day Paulson Asked Me to Co-Sign the Bailout & Why I Said No Thanks Pard

  78. Bill in SF says:

    New Trends in Residential Real Estate

    Excerpt: “You’ll never view in-law apartments the same again. Vacant properties used as gay porn sets give added value to realty promos; Breakfast Nook, Master Bath, and Bonus Room down (unwarranted).”

  79. MJK15 says:

    The Day I Realized I Would Never Be a Gangsta Rapper
    Your Parents Are Compulsive Liars
    There Are Exactly 17 Ways To Skin a Cat

  80. beaufou says:

    James Altucher is not a douche bag

  81. steveg62 says:

    ” Why Extraterrestrials gave me a billion dollar idea”

  82. TripleB says:

    8 Ways in which High Frequency Trading Algorithms are metaphors for life

  83. TripleB says:

    Learned Optimism: Why the class is not only half full, but the hottest waitress on the planet is coming to fill it up

  84. swag says:

    Survive and Thrive with the Poontang Blues!

  85. swag says:

    Eat Shit and Turn into Gold!

  86. Mercator says:

    Heads I Win, Tails You Lose.

  87. powerpenguin says:

    Why God hates poor people

    Our nation’s infrastructure, and other unnecessary government waste

    Professional investing: online gaming is your best bet for fulfillment in life

  88. klbjcb says:

    Why Labor Day is for Idiots


    Why Holloween Should be our Nations Independence Day

  89. rileyx67 says:

    Title: “Surrender to Attain Victory!”

  90. infracanis says:

    Accounting for Multinational Pigs: How the US can bring home the bacon.
    What to do when your wife stops fooling around and expects attention.
    How I sold my yacht and bought a spaceship.

  91. MJK15 says:

    Why I Envy the Homeless

  92. 10 things you need to know before the opening bell about why I hired the same hair stylist as Chuck Barris from the Gong Show.

  93. cai says:

    I spent 99 cents at my hair stylist, now you spend 99 cents for my book on Amazon.

  94. Jazz Fan says:

    iGas – How digital flatulence will transform
    social media.

  95. Bruce C says:

    ‘a beginner’s guide to self-colonoscopy’

    bruce campbell

  96. WNL says:

    92.7% of all facts are unbelievable

  97. davejohnson says:

    Hair. Why?

  98. mgkurilla says:

    Government will promote disease as its main jobs creation program

    Strategic death as way to screw insurance companies

    Protecting civilians will allow the US to invade Mexico

    The TEA party will ban coffee after the next election

    How giving California & Texas back to Mexico and Florida back to Spain can end the economic crisis

  99. kansascitypothole says:

    Marital Default Swaps and Other Future Financial Innovasions