James Altucher has a new eBook out, titled How to Be the Luckiest Person Alive! (we’ll publish a chapter next week).
I was discussing the book with James, and jokingly said we should have a Altucher-like title contest. He liked the idea, and so we decided to run this contest to select the title of his next book or blog post. The best suggestions will get a free copy of How to Be the Luckiest Person Alive!.
For those of you who may never have read an Altucher Confidential post, you learn to immediately recognize his work by the zany headlines:
- Is it bad that I originally wanted my first kid to be aborted?
- Why I Am Never Going to Own a Home Again
- How I Sold My First Company to the Son of the Man Who Killed Hitler
- I Want My Daughters to Be Lesbians
- Online porn, twitter, and my very personal addiction
- The One Week Heroin Addict
- 10 Reasons You Should Never Own Stocks Again
- Suicide, and 13 Other Ways to Deal with Failure
The contest:
The best headlines you can think of in the very-imitable Altucher style is what we are looking for.
The rules are simple: We are looking for the best ideas in the whacky Altucher ouevre.
A troika (James & Josh Brown & I) will determine the top 10 or 20 or as many make us laugh. Best entries will win a copy of How to Be the Luckiest Person Alive!
~~~
Place your entries here
Category: Financial Press, Humor
Please use the comments to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor implied. If you could repeat previously discredited memes or steer the conversation into irrelevant, off topic discussions, it would be appreciated. Lastly, kindly forgo all civility in your discourse . . . you are, after all, anonymous.
“Friends of Ours Had a Raccoon, It Ate the Baby”
“Lists of Luck: How a homeless, carless, jobless schlimazel with lesbian daughters and a blog – made good.”
“A turtle, holding the pee, and getting crushed by the Muzio Gambit”
Annie Hall?
Most the time Mr. Altchur has no idea what he’s talking about. He’s wrong about starting a business, about not owning a home, about not buying stocks among many other things.
Fibonacci Retracements and Bear Scat: A Biosemiotic Exploration of the Unconscious Financial Genius of the Ursus Horribilis Embedded in their Savage Movements
I Can’t Stop Using These Godawful Titles.
“10 Surefire Pickup Lines for the Next Great Depression”
The Thirteen Immutable Dogmas of Scepticism
“The market’s rigged so my losses don’t feel as bad plus ten other tips for coping with trading losses”
My mother believes in aliens and I believe in sovereign debt–who’s crazier?
“The 7 Bad Habits of Highly Defective People.”
“Craps, blackjack, horses, dogs and two hundred other ways to enjoy losing your money other than the market.”
“My neighbor in the wife-beater who works the graveyard is happier than I am—and his yard looks better to boot! How to quit trying to win and start living life in fourteen easy steps.”
“The Sanction: the cathartic action of shooting squirrels that are destroying my spouse’s garden, or how I got lucky with my wife without flowers and jewelry”
“What did you say?! …Learning to interpret Mother-in-laws, bank CEO’s, and eight other challenging personas. “
“Leave the spaghet, bring the meatballs…cooking Italian for those on protein diets”
“Prime vacations with the Mexican Cartel–the new Fodors edition for your South of the border trip”
How to be a rock and roll idol at 60 and still be alive.
Sleeping it off…the great American debt hangover
or
Take two QE’s and call me in the morning…
He came, He saw, He was fired.
Jas you’re spewing.
Cut out half of the words in this one and you may have something.
“My neighbor in the wife-beater who works the graveyard is happier than I am—and his yard looks better to boot! How to quit trying to win and start living life in fourteen easy steps.”
“Speeding Tickets, Paper-cuts, Warm Beer, and Other Things I Would Rather Have Instead of a Michelle Bachmann Presidency”
Have fun, be safe, stupid hurts.
Make that:
Have fun, be carful, stupid hurts.
How I bled, fumbled, and failed my way into millions of dollars – and you can too.
Getting Exercise, Eating, Sleeping, and Pooping: It’s Called The Daily Practice and I Invented It.
Chess champion accused of using steroids
If Napoleon had read Bailout Nation prior to Waterloo, we’d all be speaking French.
“I haven’t taken my lithium in years and where did I put my adderall”
My favorite newspaper headline would be
“Small earthquake in Peru, Not many dead…”
…like I suggested earlier…Annie Hall – Midnight in Paris is no Annie Hall, btw…JasRas, chill dude…
Why having a vasectomy gets you closer to God.
Why I Bought My Daughters a Stripper Pole.
How the Buddha Made Me Give Up Inside Trading.
The Law of Unintended Consequences, or, How I Launched a YouTube Sensation.
I Had A Crush On The Chick At Starbucks
How Barry Ritholtz Convinced Me That Crowdsourcing is a Terrible Idea
“How I quit peeing the bed and became a paranoid, and the 20 best chess matches of all time.”
My 9 year old daughter passed out… and 5 other things you need to know about bubbles.
3 reasons my suicide didn’t work and why I’m buying Treasury bonds as therapy.
How I convinced my wife that having a threesome would bring us closer together.
10 More Reasons Why Men with Money Suck in Bed
and it’s companion
10 More Reasons Why Women with Fake Tits Suck in Bed
Not a sock. Confessions from the LPSG.org
Eccentricity & Intrigue–Made ya Click!
Or
Teach Your Daughters Yoga So They Won’t Become Pole-Dancers
“I don’t know how it happened, she just decided to bring one of her girlfriends.”
Two deep breaths away from Eternity; get used to it.
“This July 4th America is 235 years old. Let’s keep it that way!”
“How to lose 15 million dollars in 6 weeks”
how faeces, pets, and incest is alot like poker
or
how i quit trying to win and other poker tips
Why burning books will make you rich
How to Get Rich By Punching Babies
10 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Read This Article
1) How I Learned to Stop Fearing the Death Cross and Love the 200 Day Moving Average
2) How to Perform a Non-Violent Exorcism on Your Investment Adviser
3) Eleven Things You Should Know About the Ten Best Places to Live
4) The Hidden Perversions in the Inverted Head and Shoulders
Smokin’ crack: 101 red hot chili recipes and why you should never pick up the pipe.
Why You Should Donate Your Child’s Organs to Steve Jobs
The complete fuckwit
Dollars to Dog Poop: The biggest pile of dollars win!
Lost my job, my house, my shirt, and now my (under)pants – How I got a loan!
“when your wife is not at your right hand, let your right hand be your wife” Life on the road with James Altucher
Whatever…I was brainstorming. Not seeing anything much better. Frankly it’s odd to be told to chill by someone who’s best idea is “Annie Hall”–and thinks its so good they repeat it as though we don’t get the reference.
A lot of these one liners are funny. I like The Cynic’s, Mick Lovin, DiggityDan’s….
funny stuff.
Have a good 4th weekend
Yep, it was loaded!
“Dog food is better for you than it is for dogs.”
10 Signs you are an idiot and how to deal with it
Is it time for the poor to revisit the commune model?
Why I always play poker with 2 extra jokers.
10 logical inconsistencies and fake science to dissemble real debate.
Too Big To Fail and Other Fast Food Nutritional Myths
My grandchildren will need to live my life backwards in order to succeed
These are hilarious.
Is Nasal Sex the Final Frontier in Human Sexuality?
Get a Haircut?
When Resuscitation Turns Into Necrophilia – a Bioethical Dillema.
Even the Marginal Idea in this Book will be Better than Breakeven
Switching Advisor-in-laws Made Easy
Where are the Customer’s Deviated Septums?
What Does it Take to Change a Belief; What does it Take to Change What it Takes to Change a Belief?
This Title is for Sale!
“Open Flies Are Becoming Fashionable:” The Next Big Thing
If Wealth Creators Need Incentives and More Incentives are Better, We Should Take Away All the Wealth of All the Wealthy, But Just this Once.
The Other Universe
Legally Change Your Birthday
Don’t Work All Your Life at a Cryopreservation Company!
How to Start and Manage Your Own Secret Cabal to Undermine Prediction Markets
Those Who Can’t Invest – or Write – Write Investment Books
Rearranging the Deck Chairs after Colliding with a Barriers-to-Entry Reef
Mercenary Position: Surviving a Big-Company Job
How To Be A Fraud In Broad Daylight
Tax the Poor, Feed the Rich – A Republican Plan for Prosperity
He`s wrong about a number of things – college, home ownership – but the practical advice of the first chapter is excellent. I`m tempted to say t was worth every one of the 99 cents it cost to download– nyuk nyuk – but it`s much more valuable than that.
10 signs your capitalist has been socializing too much.
Personally I like you……..
I understand how you feel.
This would be an article around the current phoniness in society. We have politicians that always spin and are rarely statesmen, money managers that talk their book, an infrastructure built on power rather than ethics….even our reality shows are staged. Makes the movie Quiz Show look like a primer for the current decade.
Where does the title come from ? I used to work for a guy in the 80s that when he whas about to fire someone he would alwasys say ‘Personally I like the guy’. Which of course meant he didn’t. And when someone came with him with an issue he would say ‘ I understand how your feel’. Which meant he could care less. He had about a dozen frazes he used over and over. In other words a Grade A phony. One day I ran into a former co worker who worked for this guy many years later … he sees me … comes up and says
‘ Personally I like ya’ ( Translation in jest of course ‘ I don’t like you’ )
I retorted immediately without a pause..
‘ I understand how your feel’ ( Translation again in jest ‘ F You too ! ‘ We laughed for a good 15 minutes.
Luck: What Happens When Preparation H Meets Opportunity
Why Jim Cramer’s Bald Head Doesn’t Taste As Salty As You Might Expect.
7 Things I learned about life from living in Pittsburgh
My $19.95 Magic Jack Life Alert Button for the Screaming Victims of the Sweetest Venus Bull Trap Ever
The Day Paulson Asked Me to Co-Sign the Bailout & Why I Said No Thanks Pard
New Trends in Residential Real Estate
Excerpt: “You’ll never view in-law apartments the same again. Vacant properties used as gay porn sets give added value to realty promos; Breakfast Nook, Master Bath, and Bonus Room down (unwarranted).”
The Day I Realized I Would Never Be a Gangsta Rapper
Your Parents Are Compulsive Liars
There Are Exactly 17 Ways To Skin a Cat
James Altucher is not a douche bag
” Why Extraterrestrials gave me a billion dollar idea”
8 Ways in which High Frequency Trading Algorithms are metaphors for life
Learned Optimism: Why the class is not only half full, but the hottest waitress on the planet is coming to fill it up
Survive and Thrive with the Poontang Blues!
Eat Shit and Turn into Gold!
Heads I Win, Tails You Lose.
Why God hates poor people
Our nation’s infrastructure, and other unnecessary government waste
Professional investing: online gaming is your best bet for fulfillment in life
Why Labor Day is for Idiots
or
Why Holloween Should be our Nations Independence Day
Title: “Surrender to Attain Victory!”
Accounting for Multinational Pigs: How the US can bring home the bacon.
What to do when your wife stops fooling around and expects attention.
How I sold my yacht and bought a spaceship.
Why I Envy the Homeless
10 things you need to know before the opening bell about why I hired the same hair stylist as Chuck Barris from the Gong Show.
I spent 99 cents at my hair stylist, now you spend 99 cents for my book on Amazon.
iGas – How digital flatulence will transform
social media.
‘a beginner’s guide to self-colonoscopy’
bruce campbell
92.7% of all facts are unbelievable
Hair. Why?
Government will promote disease as its main jobs creation program
Strategic death as way to screw insurance companies
Protecting civilians will allow the US to invade Mexico
The TEA party will ban coffee after the next election
How giving California & Texas back to Mexico and Florida back to Spain can end the economic crisis
Marital Default Swaps and Other Future Financial Innovasions