Jeff Matthews has a very interesting and amusing column posted today that is worth your time to read in full.

New-New Gettysburg Address

Four or five years ago our Investment Bankers helped bring forth on this continent, and around the world, a new banking system, conceived in Leverage, and dedicated to the proposition that all persons working for Investment Banks can create enormous Wealth for themselves with almost no Risk except to Taxpayers.

Now we the Investment Bankers of Goldman Sachs are engaged in a great Scam, testing whether that Nation of Bankers can get paid without Tipping Off the Taxpayers to that Scam.

We have come to cash our checks.

It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this, for we have Houses in the Hamptons requiring upkeep.

But, in a check-clearing sense, we can not Cash Our Checks so long as AIG cannot make good on the credit default swaps we purchased to Hedge our Leverage. Thankfully, the brave men of Goldman who struggled to Attain Positions of Power in Treasury and the White House have consecrated it, far above Barney Frank’s poor power to detract from our AIG Contracts.

The Small Investor will little note, nor long remember, how completely screwed He got, but we the Investment Bank of Goldman Sachs can never forget what they did to provide us this cash. We thank them for the $8 billion Their Government is paying to AIG in order to Make Us Whole.

We here highly resolve that The Little Investor shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under Goldman Sachs, shall have a new birth of Leverage Without Risk — and that government of Goldman, by Goldman, and for Goldman, shall not perish from the earth.

Jeff Matthews
Well, Yes, I Am Making This One Up

© 2012 NotMakingThisUp, LLC

Category: Bailouts, Really, really bad calls

Please use the comments to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor implied. If you could repeat previously discredited memes or steer the conversation into irrelevant, off topic discussions, it would be appreciated. Lastly, kindly forgo all civility in your discourse . . . you are, after all, anonymous.

8 Responses to “New-New Gettysburg Address”

  1. machinehead says:

    Without Abe Lincoln’s innovation of greenback fiat currency, none of this would have been possible.

    Here’s to the Great Emancipator (of leveraged speculators)!

    You did a lot to us …

  2. carleric says:

    Sad but just too true!

  3. rocketgas says:

    If you like the fed why are angry about manipultated interest rates?
    The deeper we fall cause falling feels good till ya hit the bottom

  4. rocketgas says:

    I know barry is into all that psychological stuff, but it boils down to simple things. Most important now is its name. (just that words mean ideas) feeling good while falling come under? I hope the sensation that 9/11 jumpers would have had. that kinda thing. Whats its name?

  5. Giovanni says:

    @machinehead If Abe hadn’t done what he did we wouldn’t be here anyway. But he didn’t unwind Glass-Steagall, allow non-portfolio lenders to exist or prevent the regulation of derivatives either. Beyond that I appreciate your hommage to Deep Purple.

  6. machinehead says:

    @Giovanni — appreciate the hat tip, but the homage is to Sixteen Stone. Cheers.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sixteen_Stone

  7. VennData says:

    AIG’s London office, The Whale, Barclay’s LIBOR conspiracy, HSBC money laundering for criminal thugs and terrorists. Boy, you guys really have a good free market model in London.

    Let’s not forget the myriad places Mitt Romney’s stashed his dough, Switzterland, Cayman, etc.. etc… Free market paradises! Where you can avoid the evil threat of government, all.

    Thanks GOP.