It’s a cold and miserable Monday in what was supposed to be spring. Winter was supposed to have ended last week, but it refuses to depart peaceably.

I don’t know about you, but I am sick of it.

I am going to use the nasty weather as an excuse to vent. What follows is a list of things I simply don’t care about. Far be it for me to tell you how to prioritize your life, but I suspect you will be better off if you stop caring about these things as well.

Battling billionaires: Yes, yes, I keep hearing that it makes for great television, but I simply don’t care about the feud that this 80-year-old billionaire has with that 60-year-old billionaire. I don’t care about their divorces, ex-wives, art collections, Securities and Exchange Commission troubles, yachts or gay lovers on the side. It is none of my business and, to be blunt, none of yours either. Yes, I know the news media has 24 hours of air time to fill each day, and this helps meet that impossible target, but I simply cannot believe there is nothing of greater import going on in the world.

Missing Malaysian airplanes: Speaking of endless filler: We get it CNN, your ratings have been in free-fall for a decade. But your hyperventilating about a missing plane is so ghoulish and inappropriate, so unseemly and ugly, that I have sworn off ever watching again. Even in airports, where paradoxically, most viewers are found.

The Robot Uprising: OK, so we have civilian drones (they are way cool) and Roombas that do a middling job of vacuuming rugs, and cars from Google that drive themselves, and the never ending blather about the Internet of things. That is a long way from Skynet blasting humans into the rubble in “The Terminator.” I for one welcome our new robot overlords. At least there will be some logic and consistency in what they do, a welcome contrast with the unpredictable behavior of human beings.

Herbalife: Is it a Ponzi scheme or just a mediocre dietary-supplement company? I am hard pressed to come up with anything I could possibly care about less than this idiotic story over a company with a $5 billion market value. Oh, wait, the billionaires are battling over it. I care about what they do even less than I care about this irrelevant company. Please make it stop.

March Bracket Madness: Thank you Quicken Loans and Warren Buffett for taking a sporting event involving the plantation system known as NCAA college athletics and squeezing what little joy was left out of it. Who ever could have guessed that dangling a billion dollars in front of already insane basketball fanatics would make the entire event a money grubbing festival of greed. Perhaps for your next trick, you can ruin baseball also.

Collapse of the Dollar, Coming Hyperinflation: OK, listen up: You have been warning about the coming inflation, inevitable collapse of the dollar, why we need a sound currency, blah blah blah for five years. When the dollar plummeted 41 percent from 2001 to 2008 none of you geniuses even noticed. So thanks for the warnings about something that already occurred in the last decade. Please go away. Better yet: keep pouring your capital into gold and bitcoin.

Anything involving anyone named Kardashian: Enough said.

Coming Market Crash: If you say a crash is coming every day for five years, when it finally comes, you get precisely zero credit for it. And if any of you doom mongers do try to take credit for calling the crash after getting it so wrong for so long, I promise the following: I will hunt you down, tie you in front of a 3D television, and run a 24/7 loop of squabbling billionaires on financial TV, CNN coverage of missing Malaysian aircraft, March Madness bracket color commentary and talking-head debates and, just for giggles, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”

I doubt there is a judge in America that would convict me of anything worse than cruelty to animals.


Originally published here


Category: Markets, Sentiment

Please use the comments to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor implied. If you could repeat previously discredited memes or steer the conversation into irrelevant, off topic discussions, it would be appreciated. Lastly, kindly forgo all civility in your discourse . . . you are, after all, anonymous.

20 Responses to “Things I Don’t Care About On This Miserable Monday”

  1. BennyProfane says:

    The Walking Dead jumped the shark for good this season, also.

  2. bartolomo says:

    Barry, at the risk of sounding like a gushing fanboy, I am a big admirer. Your writing is a breath of fresh air in a very, very smoggy environment. Props too, to the way you handle yourself in a live interview format. Just as fed up as you with the weather and basically everything you’ve listed. In Italian, we would say “Basta!”

  3. ByteMe says:

    Someone needs a little vacation time in the sunny South. It’ll be in the 70′s this week in Sarasota….

  4. huxrules says:

    Someone needs a vacation. It’s shorts weather in Texas….

  5. mpetrosian says:

    I’d like to add murder trials, Putin riding horses, NY mayoral politics, and all reality television.

  6. 873450 says:

    “I doubt there is a judge in America that would convict me of anything worse than cruelty to animals.”

    Speaking of Michael Vick …

  7. marketmap says:

    (Battling Billionaires) Life for many people is about hoarding ( $, power, fame, land, stuff, spouses, etc.).

  8. rd says:

    You are not looking at the bright side of this really cold weather. The cold high is pushing the nor-easter out to sea because otherwise you would have a blizzrd tomorrow and Wed morning. Now, you just get cold.

  9. atswimtwobirds says:

    I was in London on Saturday and watched as my team, Arsenal, got smashed for 6 by Chelsea. Now I’m back here, jet lagged and hungover. I know how you feel!

  10. Singmaster says:

    Recommend NPR. You’re not looking at the TV during the day anyway, right? Real news. Interesting, in-depth interviews. No yelling. No insulting. You’ll feel smarter after listening to RadioLab and Science Friday. You’ll feel dumber after listening to Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me and Says You–as close to the wit of the Algonquin Round Table as you’ll find to today, though without the nastiness. (If anyone know of anything wittier, please feel free to share.) This American Life stories will make you cry with laughter or tears. Plus there is the beauty of the NPR and PRI correspondent names: Sylvia Poggioli, Soraya Sarhaddi Nelson, Lakshmi Singh, David Bianculli, Lourdes Garcia-Navarro, Neda Ulaby. I read once someone named their pet goat Sylvia Poggioli.

  11. Terry says:

    In addition to any & all Kardashians, I add “The housewives of ANYWHERE”!

  12. CD4P says:

    Well, at the state basketball finals this weekend I was kicked in the head from behind 3 times by a mother with a toddler on her lap. So, this Monday has been a piece of cake so far.

  13. Bomber Girl says:

    Some things in life are bad,
    They can really make you mad.
    Other things just make you swear and curse.
    When you’re chewing on life’s gristle,
    Don’t grumble, give a whistle,
    And this’ll help things turn out for the best, and…

    always look on the bright side of life….if that fails, watch some Monty Python.

  14. TLH says:

    70 degrees and clear in Austin. No wonder people are moving to Texas.

  15. LeftCoastIndependent says:

    Well, at least you don’t watch FOX. If you did, you might become suicidal.

  16. eclaire says:

    A solid list missing only one VERY important “thing”…Nancy Grace.