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Source: SNL on Verizon’s 4G marketing: “It’s an old person’s nightmare” (Venture)

To: Hiring Committee, Goldman Sachs
From: Barry Ritholtz
Re:  Position, Head of Public Relations, Goldman Sachs
Date: February 13, 2012

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Gentlemen:

Now that your public relations chief, Lucas van Praag is (finally!) retiring, it is time for the executive committee to seriously rethink the position of PR head. To be blunt, your efforts have not been up to the level of excellence that one would expect from Goldman Sachs. It would be impolite to speak ill of the job done by LVP has done under challenging circumstances, but you gentlemen need to face the facts, and fast. On his watch, the firm’s reputation has suffered, its ability to recruit top talent has been compromised, and its market cap has gotten shellacked.

In short, your PR efforts have performed about as well as the ABACUS 2007-AC1 –  the John Paulson created mortgage bundle that cratered. Or, about as well as John Paulson’s fund in 2011, which also cratered (I am seeing a pattern here).

All of which says, you guys have really stunk the joint up.

Thus, it is with great pleasure that I toss my hat into the ring for the position of Director of Communications for Goldman Sachs. Not only do I have the requisite skill set to help rehabilitate the image of the 100+ year old firm — media savvy, legal smarts, netizen, with just a dollop of snark — but I believe I can help you move gracefully into the new century.

Here is how I would restore the luster to the now tarnished Goldman Sachs reputation, returning her to her former glory.

1. Radical Transparency:  In this day and age, with everyone Facebooking and Tweeting and Foursquaring, GS remains a bit of a mystery. Open the firm up — social networking for everyone! I want your traders Tweeting, your bankers blogging, your compliance people Tumblring. Instagram photos from the Muni Bond desk, Flickr accounts from the Prime Brokerage department. Why? So you can:

2.  FLOOD THE ZONE: You need to overwhelm the public with info. When traders like the Fabulous “Fab” Tourre showed up in the press, people were aghast at the arrogance, impudence, and lack of empathy. That’s only because the public is so unfamiliar with how traders talk. Overwhelm them with the minutiae of life on an Institutional Sales Desk. It will titillate them for a few days, but then they will be proactively preempted — instead of  the next recoil, the public will become inured to it.

3. Internal Legal Fund Line: Look, SEC fines and Civil Suits are merely the cost of doing business the Goldman Sachs way. Recognize this, and build into each transaction a small internal tax. Any decent trader will tell you the first loss is your best loss. Its much easier to write a $500,000 check than the $50 million or $500 million dollar one. The mistake you made with the Abacus case was not recognizing this soon enough and making it go away sooner.

PS: Who the hell is your outside counsel? They gave you awful advice, resulting in a half a billion dollar record setting fine. Fire those bums, and replace them with someone competent. (I’ll ask around for you)

4. Government Infiltration Service: Stop hiding the great public service that Goldman Sachs offers to governments around the world, and stand proud! There are legions of former Goldie employees working at every strata in every major government. Recognize the great charitable service these former employees provide, by taking enormous pay cuts to serve. Help these folks thru the difficulty of low paying government service, by holding some Goldman Sachs stock for them. When they retire from Civil Service, they have a small nest egg to rely on. They certainly are professional enough not to allow their holdings to compromise their objectivity when affecting policy!

5. Warren Buffett: Why are you hiding the Bailout Investment the legendary investor made in you? Promote it! I am spit-balling here, but how about advertisements that promote the savvy investment made by the greatest investor of modern times? “When the crisis hit, Warren Buffett entrusted billions to Goldman Sachs” – You cannot buy that sort of great PR! Or how about:  Good Enough for Warren, Good enough for you! Thats Gold!

6. Sense of Humor:  Every time I see a current or former Goldie CEO, they are stiff, formal and utterly lacking in any kind of levity. Granted, Senate Banking Committees are no place for stand up, but geez, what a buncha stiffs! Lloyd Blankfein, Hank Paulson, Jon Corzine, Robert Rubin. Lighten up, Nancies! A little humor goes a long way, especially during those dreary SEC meetings. I happen to know Robert Khuzami is total cut up! Try opening with a humorous anecdote.

7. Offense Beats Defense: Now take that sense of humor, and apply it in a way that humanizes the firm. Establish a fund for the preservation of the endangered Vampire Squid. Take Matt Taibbi out for drinks.Try to look less like the Borg, jamming your blood funnel where ever there is the smell of monies. Give out Vampire Squid plushies as gifts to clients and friends!

8. Play the Anti-Semite Card:  As a fellow tribesman, I have been infuriated by some of the obvious attacks on the firm. Every time some critic spits out the words “Goldman Sachs,” they are really making thinly veiled Anti-Semitic attacks. Get PC on these people. Whenever the firm is assaulted by outside agitators, do some opposition research and dig up some dirt. Once you call out these Al-Qaeda sympathizers, a lot of the attacks will go away!

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Well, that is my short list. My starting salary is negotiable, including a rich stock option plan, which I hope to liquidate tax free before eventually going into government service.

I await your call,

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Barry Ritholtz

Another Dilbert lesson on Correlation:
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Classic !

When the Twitter handle @GSElevator first launched, I followed it for a while, but soon thereafter unfollowed. Some of it was funny — very funny — but it read less like overheard true conversations, and more like what someone imagined would be overheard in a Goldie elevator.

I hadn’t thought about it until a reader sent me a link to a hilarious story about a roadshow gone terribly wrong. It confirmed my suspicions that this was being written by a young aspiring sitcom writer, and not a banker. More on that in a moment.

@GSElevator author is supposedly a “former first-year analyst, now working in Goldman’s investment banking and capital markets divisions.” I highly doubt that for a variety of reasons, starting with the fictitious parody-like way they read, rather then genuine conversation.

Then there is the math: Think just for a brief moment about every elevator ride you have ever taken — you are either with a large group of people, where no one speaks — or with a smaller group where there is some conversation. Even if we expand the geography to include offices, hallways, lobbies, dining rooms, glimpses of such explicit and inappropriate speaking come along infrequently. Certainly not two or three times per day. Even if a team of 1000s of eavesdroppers are listening, transcribing and mailing in the Tweets to a central editor, there simply are not that many offhandly humorous statements made in banks in New York / London / Hong Kong. It would quickly exhaust the global supply of that rare earth mineral hilarium.

All good bankers understand Risk Factors — its explicitly detailed on all their documents. Consider the risk of getting caught. One or two of these overheard snippets would help triangulate who the eavesdropper is — but post 100s and the risks of getting found out go up exponentially. Goldie’s security people could geolocate the Tweeter to their exact longitude and latitude, floor and desk seat in a day. Too many people would see these clips and be able to tag the 3rd man in the elevator as the source. Hence, they are most likely fictitious.

The final piece of evidence comes with this column: Your Average Business Trip…Gone Horribly Wrong. It screams professional (or aspiring professional) comedy writer, attempting to follow the Twitter trail blazed by Justin Halpern’s @ShitMyDadSays to sitcom glory. It is clever, well written, and rather hilarious. It also so obviously identifies its author to the rest of the folks in the tale that he would immediately be outed. That is before we even get to the publication site, Total Frat Move — a tell this is no Goldman alum.

We can deduce that at best, this is someone who worked in a large office — law firm, bank, etc., and has an ear for ddialogue and a sharp sense of humor. My money is on an MBA drop out, who has enough jargon to pass to laypeople, but uses it awkwardly enough that it fails the sniff test.

Regardless, Your Average Business Trip…Gone Horribly Wrong an outrageous and funny piece of writing, an excellent calling card for networks looking for an original new series. It is simply way too funny to be written by a real banker.

Good luck, @GSElevator with your career in Hollywood — I look forward to your first take-no-prisoners  movie/sitcom. Just be forewarned — they are as blood thirsty in LaLa land as anyone who works for the Vampire Squid.

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Update 1, Feb 9, 2012 10:41am:
The Epicurean Dealmaker reached the same conclusion 6 months ago . . .

Update 2, Feb 10, 2012 1:22pm :
@GSElevator responds here
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Source:
Roadshow Gone Horribly Wrong
By gselevator 23 days ago

http://totalfratmove.com/782530

See also:
Tweets that feed into Wall St elevator gossip (FT.com)

Investment Banking Meet the Goldman Sachs Banker Behind @GSElevator  (Dealbook)

I like a legal department that has a sense of humor. This is the standard disclaimer that Contango Oil & Gas Company (MCF) includes with their quarterly earnings reports:

Lawyer Stuff

The future is unknowable. We have good intentions but all of our projections and estimates will be wrong, and could be materially wrong. Wildcat exploration is expensive, speculative and potentially dangerous. An offshore spill or explosion would be enormously expensive. We have insurance but it may not be enough. You could lose your entire investment. Don’t be lazy – read our 10-Q’s, 10-K’s and press releases, and if you lose money – please no tears.

“Don’t forget about risk-free T-bills in your portfolio…After inflation and taxes you’ll likely only lose 5-10% of your investment.”

- Contango V.P. Investor Relations

Great stuff!

Hat tip Aurelian Management

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Contango_PCP2012

Just in time for the next FOMC announcement, via William Banzai:

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click for larger graphic

Hat tip Reformed Broker

As Super Bowl fans gather around the TV and the chip bowl, some will probably be guilty of double-dipping those chips. In this latest “Is It True” segment, WSJ’s Christina Tsuei finds out whether double-dipping is really such a health hazard.

2/1/2012 9:03:05 PM