Guide to Wall Street Lingo

Don’t say Mike Panzner is a dour guy.

Just because he wrote a book titled Financial Armageddon: Protecting Your Future from Four Impending Catastrophes doesn’t mean he doesn’t have sense of humor.

Take, for example, this email he pinged me with yesterday. It is a short guide to definitions you will find handy if you are curious about various terms bandied about on the Street of dreams.

Its a perfect slice of humor for a lazy summer Friday while I am out  of pocket . . .
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The Permabull’s Guide to Wall Street Lingo

Analysts: Highly paid cheerleaders who figure out ways to make stocks appear cheap

Bad news: Events that cause the Federal Reserve to cut interest rates so that share prices go up

Bears: Sad, lonely people who don’t appreciate why equity prices invariably move higher

Brokers: Specially-trained relationship managers who convert mere mortals into super-bulls

Bulls: Well-bred equity investors

Bond market: The place where stock market bears are sent out to pasture for their wayward views

Cash: Realized gains that equity investors spend on fancy vacations and assorted luxury items

Dividends: A positive influence on stock prices

Economy: An irrelevant side show to what happens in the equity market

Fear: An emotion that bulls experience when they are not 100% invested

Federal Reserve Board: A group of public officials who do their best to ensure that bulls are happy

Fundamentals: Anything that can help explain why stock prices rally

Greed: The only emotion that matters when it comes to playing the stock market

Hedge funds: Aggressive investors who use lots of leverage to ensure that stock prices eventually go up

Interest rates: A factor that occasionally serves as an explanation for why stocks rally

Leverage: The fail-safe strategy of using borrowed money to boost returns as share prices rise

Losses: The net result of selling short and listening to bond traders

Mutual funds: Investment vehicles that enable bulls to remain fully invested in the equity market at all times

Short-sellers: Dour individuals who scramble to cover bad bets as stock prices rally

Strategists: Highly paid cheerleaders who figure out ways to make stocks appear cheap

Wall Street: The place where bulls congregate and fawn over one another.

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Terrific stuff, Mike.  Thanks!

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