Don’t say Mike Panzner is a dour guy.
Just because he wrote a book titled Financial Armageddon: Protecting Your Future from Four Impending Catastrophes doesn’t mean he doesn’t have sense of humor.
Take, for example, this email he pinged me with yesterday. It is a short guide to definitions you will find handy if you are curious about various terms bandied about on the Street of dreams.
Its a perfect slice of humor for a lazy summer Friday while I am out of pocket . . .
The Permabull’s Guide to Wall Street Lingo
Analysts: Highly paid cheerleaders who figure out ways to make stocks appear cheap
Bad news: Events that cause the Federal Reserve to cut interest rates so that share prices go up
Bears: Sad, lonely people who don’t appreciate why equity prices invariably move higher
Brokers: Specially-trained relationship managers who convert mere mortals into super-bulls
Bulls: Well-bred equity investors
Bond market: The place where stock market bears are sent out to pasture for their wayward views
Cash: Realized gains that equity investors spend on fancy vacations and assorted luxury items
Dividends: A positive influence on stock prices
Economy: An irrelevant side show to what happens in the equity market
Fear: An emotion that bulls experience when they are not 100% invested
Federal Reserve Board: A group of public officials who do their best to ensure that bulls are happy
Fundamentals: Anything that can help explain why stock prices rally
Greed: The only emotion that matters when it comes to playing the stock market
Hedge funds: Aggressive investors who use lots of leverage to ensure that stock prices eventually go up
Interest rates: A factor that occasionally serves as an explanation for why stocks rally
Leverage: The fail-safe strategy of using borrowed money to boost returns as share prices rise
Losses: The net result of selling short and listening to bond traders
Mutual funds: Investment vehicles that enable bulls to remain fully invested in the equity market at all times
Short-sellers: Dour individuals who scramble to cover bad bets as stock prices rally
Strategists: Highly paid cheerleaders who figure out ways to make stocks appear cheap
Wall Street: The place where bulls congregate and fawn over one another.
Terrific stuff, Mike. Thanks!