“Ten Ways EMI Will Be Changed by Its New Owners”

Music company EMI Group PLC has agreed to a 2.4 billion pound ($4.7 billion)
takeover by a private equity group Terra Firma Capital Partners. Things are
going to be very different.

A former EMI employee writes the following:

"Once the record guys learn that “distribution” means paying people not
selling records, and the new money guys learn that “returns” are nothing to
cheer about, the private equity suits will start to make changes as they have in
every other industry that they’ve invaded. Independent Sources has
spoken to parties on both sides of the transaction and compiled the top 10 ways
that EMI will be changed by these new owners:

10. Cocaine will now be amortized over 4 quarters instead of expensed in the
quarter snorted
9. Remixing budgets to be renamed as “B Rounds”
8. Tour
support will be funneled through the Cayman Islands
7. Recording contracts to
now be called “subscription agreements” and will include full ratchet
6. Artist royalties to now have hurdle rates
5. Promos to be
called “red herrings”
4. Bands won’t be dropped, they’ll be spun out to the
original shareholders
3. Hip-hop artists will openly boast about the size of
their “tranches”
2. Promotion men will hype radio stations by claiming new
releases are “upper quartile”
1. Staff lay-offs will be called “involuntary

Bonus: Demo tapes out, pro-forma business plans in

Very very funny . . .


Top 10 Ways EMI will be different owned by a private equity fund
Independent Sources

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