Internal CNBC Guest Memo Leaked!
Richard Ambrose is the author of some amusing financial humor. He is the original author of The Lloyds Prayer that was widely circulated without proper attribution last week (my apologies, Richard!)
His most recent work takes a poke at one of my favorite CNBC curmudgeons, Mark Haines:
How To Be An Agreeable Guest Of Mark Haines on CNBC:
Each trading morning, CNBC’s anchor agrarian has two
guests he asks one simple question: “So, What Do You Think Of The Market?”If you are chosen, you¹ll only have 20 seconds to answer so practice
practice practice!; Here¹s how to make sure you get it right!“Good Morning Mark! I’m (pick ONE)
a) Very Bullish
b) Bullish
c) Bullish But A little Cautious (Use ONLY if market is currently down)on the markets here because we believe (pick TWO)
a) interest rates are going to stay low,
b) there is real growth in the GDP,
c) the rally is still intact,And (pick ONE)
a) stocks are a great value at current levels.
b) the market will continue to go higher from here.
c) stocks are undervalued at these levels.We¹re bullish on (pick up to THREE)
a) Technology
b) Energy and Commodities
c) Blue Chip Industrials
d) (Insert Stock Names You Already Own At Lower Prices)Mark will make some short meaningless comment signaling your time is up, then repeat your name and firm; SMILE and remember to reply:
“Thank you for having me on.”
Amusing stuff, Richard. Thanks!
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November 15th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Why does ANYONE watch CNBC?
Bloomberg is much more civil and a better view if one must watch tv.
Better to fill your head with more impartial news from professional source blogs like this.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Then Erin Burnett adds…”more proof that the Haines Bottom will hold”
November 15th, 2009 at 10:00 am
You mean these programs are staged, that the answers are disingenuous, the guests are shills? I’m shocked!
November 15th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Richard,
Wow, you nailed it, funny!
@Steve Barry,
Burnett says that when she’s not talking about some silver lining.
November 15th, 2009 at 10:23 am
“…Why does ANYONE watch CNBC?…”
Half have stopped, but…
http://www.zerohedge.com/article/cnbc-viewership-plunges-50-october
…but that was from the ’07 peak. Ratings are now at ’07 levels, with a doubling from ’05.
http://www.businessinsider.com/cnbcs-ratings-drop-doesnt-mean-much-2009-10
… another half story from Zero Hedge.
November 15th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
every now and then in the 6am hour they have a guest that really hits the analysis on the head. That person is usually a well know exec in their business speaking broadly and using ideas you either get or do not. The comments are not explained afterward because ratings respond so much better to Erin’s cute expressions or (later in the day) six talking heads yelling over each other and making no sense.
When you think about it…what they are really selling beyond their ticker function, is pretty heads attached to their opinions. It is a stream of commercial opps in exchange for program fill. Why do ratings go down when the market goes down? Because they measure users in a way that cannot account for the quality between one kind of viewer and another. Enter the blogosphere…
November 15th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
“Each trading morning, CNBC’s anchor agrarian has two guests he asks one simple question: “So, What Do You Think Of The Market?”
Uh, isn’t an ‘agrarian’ a farmer? Not sure I’m getting the reference.
Now, if you’re suggesting that Mark Haines is about as useful as a bucket of manure I’m right there with you…
November 15th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
I actually adore appreciate Mark Haines’ perspectives! It’s the endlessly bullish guests I was after with this one – re: “Agrarian” – Mark likes to grow alot of his own vegetables at home, and often shows examples of his harvest – that was the reference.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Bloomberg radio between 7am and 10am on weekdays is probably the best quality financial programing out there and ditto for Bloomberg radio/TV simulcast between 10am and noon.
The absolute worst of CNBC (and that means it must be toxic) is between noon and 3pm where again Bloomberg is a good alternative. Late afternoon again on Bloomy radio or TV, Pimm Fox has a pretty good progam unless the shrieking voice of Maria Bartiromo or fluff of Melissa Lee is more to your taste.
Also on the weekends CNBC runs commercials for Tooth Whiteners or in-depth financial analysis by the likes of Suze Orman (I think those are one and the same). Meanwhile Bloomy features highlights and interviews from the prior week and on Sunday they broadcast all of the Sunday AM political shows on Bloomberg radio.
Bloomberg radio schedule http://www.bloomberg.com/tvradio/radio/schedule_us.html
Updated list of Bloomberg radio guests http://www.bloomberg.com/tvradio/radio/guests_us.html
and no I don’t have anything to do with Bloomy or their sponsors – but I do have a healthy disrepect for all things CNBC, now if only the financial blogs would stop linking to and even mentioning GE’s (soon to be Comcasts?) propaganda arm.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Add the fact that Haines more or less equates technical analysis with voodoo.
November 15th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
On occasions when I have watched (not lately), I have found him one of the least obnoxious of the CNBC stable, other than the “Center of the Financial Universe” thing. I don’t remember Haines browbeating a bearish guest until he says something mildly bullish and then proclaiming that he finally got a bullish statement to use in a video as Frat Boy Joe does.
BTW, when looking at a list of GS alumni, happened to notice Erin is one. So, she is apparently not as stupid as she acts. I suppose that is a cover for her wickedness.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Perhaps, but Haines can be comical at times. Besides, looking at Erin is worth the tradeoff. Is she cute or what??
November 16th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Mark’s comments sometimes matter, as he has many years experience with the markets. We all know they go up and down, and volatility is here to stay. But how is an investor to know when to get in and when to get out? The answer is to use timing signals.
Consider http://invetrics.com
Its daily DJIA index trading signal is up a respectable 68% for the year (as of November 1, 2009) and it is free of charge for individual investors.