Its been a challenging few years for Goldman Sachs. The financial collapse, the bailouts, the SEC case. That damned Matt Taibbi refuses to go away (what the hell is a Vampire Squid, anyway?).

Their latest plan: A PR campaign designed to show the softer side of Goldman, letting the public know what they really do (is that Buffett’s fingerprints we see on this idea?).

As soon as Dealbook reported the plan, we just knew had to help Goldie with such a noble undertaking. So we asked readers to contribute ideas, and soon 100s of suggestions came pouring forth for the new GS ad campaign. These included ad slogans and tag lines, lots of variations of existing campaigns, quotes from movies (especially the Godfather). Oh, and the word Fuck. Lots and lots of uses of the word fuck.

We culled down the entries to a Top 10 list
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Top 10 Ideas for Goldman Sachs New Ad Campaign

10. Under Buffett’s protection since 2008

9. Putting the zero in zero-sum game.

8. Government Bailout: $29 billion
SEC Settlement: $550 million
Doing God’s work? Priceless.

7. Helping you forget about Bernie Madoff one CDO at a time

6. Goldman Sachs: America’s Counterparty

5. Let us do for you what we did for Greece.

4. Like we give a fuck what you think about us . . .

3. Goldman Sachs: There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s JPMorgan.

2. The Rothschilds were Pussies

And the number 1 advertising slogan for the new Goldman Sachs ad campaign:

1. We put the douche in fiduciary

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Runners up and Honorable Mentions here


Category: Humor, Television

Please use the comments to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor implied. If you could repeat previously discredited memes or steer the conversation into irrelevant, off topic discussions, it would be appreciated. Lastly, kindly forgo all civility in your discourse . . . you are, after all, anonymous.

24 Responses to “Top 10 Ideas for Goldman Sachs New Ad Campaign”

  1. 5 Runners up

    Doing God’s work, since 1869.

    “To Serve Man”…
    (I really wrestled with this one from the Twilight Zone but I feared it might be too obscure )

    The meek shall inherit the earth — and we’ll finance it.

    Lobbying to bring “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to a whole new level.

    Goldman Sachs. No, we won’t call you afterwards.

    Honorable Mentions

    We get the gold, you get the sack.

    Goldman Rapes, Pillages & Sachs

    The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer

    Leverage: It’s what’s for dinner.

    Claim everything, Explain nothing, Deny everything.

    Adapt and Exploit

    Vote for anybody you want, they all work for us.

    “What happens on Wall Street, stays on Wall Street.”

    Dude! You’re getting a deal!”

    Between greed and madness lies Goldman.

    Got Greed?

    Behind every great fortune lies a great crime. Behind that crime lies Goldman Sachs.

    We’re rich as hell and we’re not going to take this anymore!

    We make money for you, or against you, or sometimes both.”

    Goldman Sachs keeps going and going and going.

    It’s not personal, Sonny. It’s strictly business.

    Vampire Squids rule!

    Greed Sanctioned.

    We’re not crooks, we’re profit optimizers.

  2. VennData says:

    Ringo Starr, singing:

    We would be so happy you and me
    No one there to tell us what to do
    I’d like to be under the sea
    In an octopus’ garden with you.

  3. Rescission says:

    People love to hate on them, but when you get ready to sell your company or need serious investment banking, they are the guys you hire. Funny isn’t it?

  4. WFTA says:

    Bravo to all! Wonderful wit for a Thursday morning.

  5. JohnnyVee says:

    “We follow the golden rule…
    The one with the gold makes the rules.”

  6. MakingtheDrop says:

    Spinal Tap’s Big Bottom as per Goldman

    The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin’
    That’s what we say
    The looser the regulation-band, the deeper the quicksand
    Or so I have read

    The financial system fits me like a flesh tuxedo
    I’d like to sink her with my gold torpedo

    Big bottom, big bottom
    We’ll still be here, but you’ll be forgotten
    Big bottom drive me out of my mind
    Who’s turn next in the Presidential Advisory line?

    My love gun’s loaded, the next bubble in my sights
    Big game is waiting there inside the market’s tights, yeah

    Big bottom, big bottom
    We’ll still be here, but you’ll be forgotten
    Big bottom drive me out of my mind
    How could I ever leave this human vs corporate paradigm?

    And by the way, our’s goes to 11… that’s one louder.

  7. Mysticdog says:

    “People love to hate on them, but when you get ready to sell your company or need serious investment banking, they are the guys you hire. Funny isn’t it?”

    Well, when I need to do that, I’ll keep them in mind. But as long as I’m like the other 99.9% of americans though whose other car isn’t a yacht, I’ll just keep hating them for their part in ruining our country.

  8. Freestate says:

    That was the most fun this blog has had in awhile. Now let’s do one for Zero Hedge.

    “On a long enough timeline all conspiracy theories come true”

  9. polizeros says:

    With the President as our junior partner, imagine what we can do for you!

    Laws? We don’t have to follow no steekin’ laws.

  10. ckeating says:

    “Screw you and ethics too!”

  11. Rescission says:

    Mysticdog,

    Get off your butt and go start a business. Create some jobs, bro.
    I need one.

  12. this one, in specific, led to recalling:

    Transor Z Says: April 13th, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    Goldman Sachs is a Mystery Cat: he’s called the Hidden Paw–
    For he’s the master criminal who can defy the Law.
    He’s the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad’s despair:
    For when they reach the scene of crime–Goldman Sachs is not there!

    He’s outwardly respectable. (They say he cheats at cards.)
    And his footprints are not found in any file of Scotland Yard’s.
    And when the larder’s looted, or the jewel-case is rifled,
    Or when the milk is missing, or another Peke’s been stifled,
    Or the greenhouse glass is broken, and the trellis past repair–
    Ay, there’s the wonder of the thing! Goldman Sachs is not there!

    And when the Foreign Office finds a Treaty’s gone astray,
    Or the Admiralty lose some plans and drawings by the way,
    There may be a scap of paper in the hall or on the stair–
    But it’s useless of investigate–Goldman Sachs is not there!
    And when the loss has been disclosed, the Secret Service say:
    “It must have been Goldman Sachs!”–but he’s a mile away.
    You’ll be sure to find him resting, or a-licking of his thumbs,
    Or engaged in doing complicated long division sums.

    Goldman Sachs, Goldman Sachs, there’s no one like Goldman Sachs,
    There never was a Bank of such deceitfulness and suavity.
    He always has an alibi, or one or two to spare:
    And whatever time the deed took place–GOLDMAN SACHS WASN’T THERE!
    And they say that all the Banks whose wicked deeds are widely known
    (I might mention Kenny Lewis, I might mention Pandit-bone)
    Are nothing more than agents for the Bank who all the time
    Just controls their operations: the Napoleon of Crime!
    http://www.ritholtz.com/blog/2009/04/taxpayer-funded-gs-profits/#comment-161908

    though, really, many of those ‘Taglines’ were excellent~

  13. from above,

    “this one”, meaning: Behind every great fortune lies a great crime. Behind that crime lies Goldman Sachs.

  14. [...] faux ad campaign. September 30, 2010 SGB Big Picture conducted an informal solicitation for ad slogans from readers to help Goldman improve its image. [...]

  15. xstek99 says:

    Goldman Sachs – Industry, Integrity, Prosperity

  16. [...] also will see if we can squeeze in our advice to Goldman Sachs on their new ad [...]

  17. Frwip says:

    ” Vampire squid (Vampyroteuthis infernalis, lit. “vampire squid from ‘Hell’”) is a small, deep-sea cephalopod found throughout the temperate and tropical oceans …

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampire_squid

    Little detail, which maps really well to GS:

    The Vampire Squid is an extreme example of a deep-sea cephalopod, thought to reside at aphotic (lightless) depths from 600-900 metres (2,000-3,000 feet) or more. Within this region of the world’s oceans is a discrete habitat known as the oxygen minimum zone (OMZ). Within the OMZ oxygen saturation is too low to support aerobic metabolism in most higher organisms. Nonetheless, the Vampire Squid is able to live and breathe normally in the OMZ at oxygen saturations as low as 3%; a feat no other cephalopod, and few other animals, can claim.

    Essentially, that charming little critter can live and prosper in environments that would suffocate to death any other animal.

  18. Soylent Green Is People says:

    Hey! I made two in the top 15. Can’t be sad about that.

    The “Goldman Sachs: Go, get the butter” was too obscure. It’s from “The Last Tango In Paris” when Brando is about to schtupp his girl from … an awkward position…. Emblematic, but too cinema based.

    Surprised no Glen Gary, Glen Ross quotes. Alec Baldwin’s motivational sales pitch is comedy gold.

    Flattered with the honor. SGIP

  19. Schnauzos says:

    I signed up late, but my offering would have been:

    “Heads we win, tails you lose (and fees are non-refundable)”

  20. Schnauzos says:

    What was that Mark Twain quote from one of his minor essays?

    Something to the effect of, “Senators, lawyers, thieves and pick-pockets — you know, all us in the trade…”

  21. [...] Barry Ritzhold hat derweil 10 Vorschläge für einen neuen Goldman Sachs Claim. Top 10 Ideas for Goldman Sachs New Ad Campaign [...]

  22. [...] October 1, 2010, 7:57 am –For Goldman’s new ad campaign to take America back, readers of The Big Picture have sent in some ideas. Our favorite among the submissions printable here: “Goldman Sachs: [...]

  23. [...] women of Goldman Sachs finance the best projects the world needs going forward. In the meantime, Barry Ritholtz crowdsourced a ‘Top Ten’ list of ad campaign slogans and as the world’s bad bankers, they will just have to laugh it off: Top 10 Ideas for Goldman [...]

  24. missmolly says:

    AT GOLDMAN SACHS THERE IS ONLY ONE CHOICE:
    MAKE MORE MONEY.
    HOW DO WE DO IT?

    fPml.

    financial product markup language.